Four Months Old! (A Novel, inadvertantly)

But who's counting? I can not believe how this baby girl has changed. And so many changes have been within this last month. Julia smiles all the time now, you don't have to be lucky to catch it. Usually she just has to see me and a big smile spreads across her face, I don't even have to say anything. It's enough to bring tears to my eyes. Especially first thing in the morning, when I peek over the side of her bed. I thank God everyday, without fail.

She's also laughing now, so the name of the game is... what random thing can I do to make her laugh this time? Because it's very random! Some things make sense, like tickling. But sometimes I can make her laugh with a certain silly sound one time, and then it does nothing the next time. Random. It's fun to try, though. I'm sure I look ridiculous to mature adults, but Julia's opinion is all that matters to me. We had friends over the other day and they were making fun of the made up song I was half singing, half talking in singsong voice to try to get Julia to go to sleep. (She fights sleep HORRIBLY!) I'm sure it did sound hilarious to anyone else, but Julia & I get in our own zone and I don't really even know what exactly I'm saying, or who is listening, because all that matters is the effect it's having on Jules and whether I'm getting anywhere with her. It's a baby language all it's own. In addition to all her cooing, she also sticks her tongue out a little and blows tiny spit bubbles. I think she likes the sound it makes and the vibration on her lips.

She is still a great sleeper, except, like I said, she fights sleep. She will scream as though she is absolutely dying, sometimes for quite a while, and then in the next breath, she's out like a light. She usually sleeps at least 12 hours at night, with a feeding in there somewhere. Her days are funny, she has no routine really. Just when I think I've got it figured out, she does it differently. Sometimes she sleeps almost all day, sometimes she's awake almost all day. I guess it probably just depends how she's feeling. It doesn't bother me, I can go with the flow, as long as I get sleep at night, and most of the time I get more than enough.

We can PLAY now! She will grab onto anything you put in front of her! She can hold onto toys for a while before she loses them, and she puts them in her mouth and licks and sucks and chews like crazy. She does best with toys hanging in front of her so she can't drop them. She will play on her mat for a long time. Her head/upper body still aren't quite strong enough to sit up in an exersaucer, but soon enough. And she has finally found her toes. She pulls on the feet of her jammies, too. She hasn't quite gotten them all the way to her mouth yet, though. She rolls from her back onto her side, but can't make it over without help. I do help sometimes, to try to show her it's possible.

My most relieved moment had to be when I saw her take a bottle for the first time. You have no idea how that made my day. I stressed over this issue like you wouldn't believe. But God took care of it. He sent a messenger down to whisper in her ear, "It's okay, just try it." And by golly, she did, and hasn't looked back since. She takes that bottle like you would think she has been doing it all along. All that time, and all it took was a latex nipple. Latex. Why didn't I think of that?

Her growth is amazing. She had her 4 month check-up on Tuesday. She weighs 13 pounds, 7 ounces, and that puts her in the 50th percentile for weight again, exactly average. She is 25 1/2 inches long, and that puts her in the 75th percentile for length again. She's tall! She's wearing 3-6 month size clothes and some of those she stretches to the limit, she's so long. She does seem a bit chubbier to me though. She's filling out and getting a few rolls. I love it. Strong and healthy. Everything checked out great at the doctor and we're weaning her off one of her medicines for reflux. Once she comes off that one okay, we can take her off the second one, too! The one we're starting with is the one she gets 4 times a day, so it will be wonderful not to have to give it to her every time I turn around! After 3 days she hasn't spit up yet, so that's a good sign! Praise God!

Every day is new and exciting, and I never know what she's going to do next. What did I ever do before she came into my life? That reminds me. The other day I had taken Julia to my Mom's while I went to work. I called after I got off and she said she had taken the whole bottle like a champ. I wanted to stick around at my Mom's house a while to see Kristen in her dress before she left for turnabout, so I went home first to pump. (So I wouldn't explode, ouchie!) As I was sitting there in the quiet, I realized that that was the first time I had been at home without the baby ever. Whenever I leave her with someone else, it's so that I can go somewhere. It was so weird to be home alone. I didn't hardly know what to do with myself, so it's a good thing I was only stopping in for a minute! It just goes to show how crazy it is that in an instant, at birth, you're suddenly responsible for this person that needs you 24/7. I remember how much that thought scared me when I was pregnant, how afraid I was that I would get burned out & wouldn't want to do it anymore, or would regret the decision to have a baby at all. But amazingly, it's totally the opposite. I don't usually want to leave her, but I do it because I know it's good for both of us. It's empowering to see how much she has grown and developed as a result of me feeding her and caring for her. Even the mundane things like laundry sometimes make me smile because it's a labor of love, and I'm so thankful just to have a beautiful baby that needs me to wash her clothes for her. I think that's why nursing is so wonderful. We get an incredible bonding time where I'm forced to sit down with her close to me, even when I'm busy. With bottles, you can feed them in a car seat or wherever, and then it's not personal anymore. It's so sweet when she holds onto my hand or strokes my arm while she eats. She is not a baby that likes to be cuddled, so I cherish those times with her everyday, they're sacred. I get to stop whatever I'm doing and just love her. And then when I see how she's grown, it makes me feel so proud to know that it's because of what I've given her that she is nourished and has come so far. Like I said, motherhood is empowering. It has built confidence in me, too. Now that I've carried a baby, birthed a baby, and begun raising a baby, it's easy not to sweat the small stuff. Things that were important before have lost all significance. It gives a totally new perspective on life and priorities. I will never be the same, and I'm glad. I love what God is doing in me, changing me like I have been praying to be changed since I first learned there was a new life inside me. I enjoyed my time without kids, but I don't ever want to go back. I can't imagine not having Julia in my life. Even our marriage has an added dimension. If you would have asked me when I got married if I loved John with all my heart, I would have said yes, and that's the truth. But somehow, when I see him holding the baby that is part of both of us, a direct result of our love for each other, I can't help but feel like I love him even more. Maybe it's just that love changes as you pass milestones in your life. It's not that I loved him any less in the beginning, or that that love was any less authentic, it's just that it's changed now. Our love for each other had to change because we've both changed. And because I've bathed all this in prayer since the beginning, all these changes in dynamics have been for the better. God is making a family out of us, and I love it! That's not to say it's always easy, but it's always a blessing, that's for sure! I am humble because I know I've done nothing so incredible to deserve any of this, it's all by grace, a gift. A gift beyond anything I could have come up with myself.

How did my 4 month update turn into a novel? I guess I had a few thoughts floating around in my head that decided they wanted to be put to words, huh? Sometimes I just have to write to make sense of myself. So you all get to read my musings this time, aren't you glad?! LOL You should be so lucky! :)